No faking referenda

A not-very-open letter to Mr Vladimir Putin

Dear Mr Putin,

They say your referenda are fake. They’re not, are they? If they are, then I’m afraid I don’t think that will wash.

Referenda are pretty expensive; not as expensive, I’ll grant, as wars, and they can even prevent wars, but both phoney referenda and wars are a terrible waste of gas income, especially because we can all see what’s going on these days. This Crimean War is televised. 

But referenda are inappropriate in a war zone, because people need to have time and tranquility to consider the issues, and not a rifle stuck up their bums.

So, tell you what: why don’t you withdraw your troops and let the peoples’ republics establish a normal, commercial, working, functioning, not-blasted-to-hell, way of life, so people can all calm down, go home, sow the seeds in their fields, and then we can have a referendum. You could come and stand on an orange box to put your arguments. We’d like that! And then, the people will vote — it’s their vote, don’t forget. And we will watch to make sure there are no guns up bums.

And then we’ll look at the result and get you and Mr Zelenskiy to decide what is the fair and proper thing to do with the result. (And it’s not: burn it. If you do that, we will stick a gun up your bum.)

Yours ever,

Graham