The “The”

Stand with The Ukraine

This article was first published in LinkedIn on 11 April 2022.

Madonna and I grew up together. Not that we ever met, but she’s three years older than I am, so the times we grew up in were the same, if the experiences different. I have no idea if Madonna was ever a philatelist, but with an active and varied private life, she may well have been (I mean, with her wide and varied correspondence, maybe she snipped the corners off envelopes as I used to do—I, at least, was a philatelist).

Philately is said to widen the mind, by teaching about foreign alphabets, languages, cash crops and national heroes. It was on a stamp that I first—and last—met Yuri Gagarin, Rossini and Winston Churchill. My stamps hailed from all over the world, including The Gambia, The Levant (overprinted definitives of George VI), The Lebanon, The Windward Islands (and the seemingly less-vented Leeward Islands), China and India, which taught me about places like Peking, Bombay and Calcutta. All these places had no political standing in my young mind and were seen only in terms of whether I had a complete set, whether they were colourful, hard to decipher and whether Stanley Gibbons had heard of them. The education offered by philately is limited sometimes to the scope of a 700-page annual catalogue issued in London’s The Strand.

The “the’s” all now seem to have disappeared and, at the time, we didn’t have a page for The Ukraine, that country previously using stamps issued by the CCCP (and Mr Gagarin). Now we’re only allowed to call a single collection of Bahamian islands “The”, and the The is frowned on when referring to the other The’s that the world was once dotted with (excuse me while I untie my tongue).

“The”, I’m now informed, is viewed askance by all and sundry as being tantamount to looking down on another nation, although the French and Italians seem quite happy yattering away about la Francia or l’Allemagne, so no one minds you using the old “the” for other languages—just English. Likewise, I’ve had to relearn the “correct” place names of Mumbai and Kolkata, and of Beijing, though the French seem to be able to get away with persisting with “Pékin”. I don’t know how it’s pronounced in Beijing, because I’ve never been there, but I do know it’s pronounced “Beijing” in London, and “Pékin” in Paris. I’ve been to both of those. I was told you need to call Belgian towns by their “local name”, so I refer to Ieper and Brugge and no one knows what I’m talking about.

“Er, except Ypres and Bruges, Graham,” I’m told.

“And Antwerpen?”

“Yes, and Antwerp.”

“What about Louvain?”

“Which Louvain?”

“Louvain. Like, the city of Louvain—is there another?”

“There’s Louvain-la-Neuve and there’s Louvain.”

“Which do you think I mean when I say ‘Louvain,’ then: Louvain or Louvain-la-Neuve?”

“It’s a grey area.”

“You’re telling me.”

Having got all this straight in my head (Kolkata, Beijing, The Gambia, no hyphen in Vietnam, Louvain(-la-Neuve) and Leuven, and not forgetting Antwerp and Bruges), I found that Germans all referred to me as “der Graham” (that’s if they knew how to say “Graham”), and the Belgians all call me “Vincent”, because the first name, which in Belgium is called the “first name”, is often put last and the last name, which is called the “last name” or, perhaps confusingly, the “name”, in Belgium, is put first. Like in Japanese. Except I’m not Japanese.

“What’s with all this “the” Graham?” I asked the Germans.

“Oh, that’s what we say.”

“But I can’t say ‘The Ukraine’?”

“No. On no account.”

Well, Madonna (remember her?) and one of her sons have just done an “at home around the old Joanna” with a rendition of “Your Song” as a fund-raiser for the Ukraine, with Sir Elton’s endorsement, and a wonderful piece of work it is as well. I love it. And a naughty part of me quite likes the fact she voices her support at the end of the recording for “The Ukraine.” Because, when push comes to shove, you should never let formalities get in the way of an expression of emotion, and perhaps philatelists and ageing rockers and poppers like me and Madonna may occasionally lapse back to what we learned as kids, before stamps were self-adhesive, but we’ll mean what we say none the less for that, and I don’t think the intended recipient of the sentiment will take anything amiss.

Stand With The Ukraine.